This morning wasn’t as hard as yesterday.
I woke up and had a little moment of stress and anxiety but I soon calmed down.
Me and Sam decided that this morning we wouldn’t rush to get up and get ready, which it felt like we had been doing for weeks. So we just lay in bed and watched a film together and cuddled. We then got up and we were going to have a day just watching x-files together in the lounge, but as soon as I got down there, I just couldn’t help but fall asleep as I was so tired. I was asleep for most of the day. Sam just watched films and relaxed. He woke up me around 7pm though just so that I could have something to eat as I hadn’t eaten since the morning.
I really struggled just to get some soup down. My appetite is still so bad and I’m really not enjoying food because of my taste buds. I was hoping because I didn’t have chemo this week that I would get some taste back and maybe stop losing my hair. Both have continued though and its really disheartening.
I watched a bit of X Factor with Sam as we do on a Sunday.
It feels very sad that this is one of the highlights of our week!
After that I had my meds and headed to bed.
But then my anxiety returned with a vengeance. Sam told me it was all ok and rubbed my back. He says: “You are only short of breath, this won’t hurt you.”
I know he’s right but it doesn’t stop that initial panic from happening. I don’t know why but it just won’t stop. I just want this to stop now as it is really mentally draining and exhausting – out of everything I have to deal with right now I didn’t think anxiety would be controlling my life like it is. Hospital tomorrow and hopefully some answers.