I woke up this morning and the anxiety was the worst it’s been so far.
I just could not breathe. I tried to walk to the toilet and I just couldn’t do it.
I started to panic and I called out to Sam. He ran out to help me and tried to calm me down. But it just kept coming in waves.
Each time I moved the slightest bit it got worse. I tried holding pressure points on my thumb which gave me momentary relief.
I’m not sure if it’s connected but it’s my chemo day today and I just know that once again I have to go through all the tiredness and feeling rubbish, not to mention the stress of getting to the hospital again.
I’m still clinging to my oxygen machine and tanks wherever I am, even though the nurse told me yesterday that this is not a good thing to become dependant on.
I just can’t help it though as it just helps me breathe so much.
At breakfast I tried to eat as much as I could to keep my strength up but I just didn’t have any appetite.
Then we headed off for my chemo appointment. Once we got in there my specialist nurse Karen was there to help me with everything and give advice. She is wonderful
As normal there was a massive hold up because there was a blockage in my picc line from the nurse taking blood the day before.
We sat there whilst this was sorted by Karen and then waited until I could start chemo.
You might think that when you have chemo you just go in, get linked up to a drip and sit there for an hour.
First the doctors have to give me all my pre meds which takes around half an hour of slowing pumping medication through my picc line. Then I have to have a saline bag attached to the picc line to flush it, which once again takes around half an hour.
After that I can finally start the chemo, but you have to wait for a nurse to become available to attach it, which can again take quite a while.
All the while the machines are making the most horrible beeping sounds which are so frightening.
I can’t feel the chemo going in through my picc line which is a relief. During my last battle I had it in my arm which was so painful.
There are also another 20 or so people in the suite having chemo. So as you can imagine it is not the most happy place on Earth to be. It’s so loud and busy that you can’t concentrate on anything else.
I sit there, surrounded buy families all around looking sad and not knowing what to do or say.
Me and Sam are just glad to have each other through all this.
The chemo started and this last just over an hour. Then we had to wait for a nurse to come by to do the final flush before we could leave.
Every time Sam wheels me around the hospital people are always staring at me, I have no idea why but it makes me feel so uncomfortable and I hate it.
We headed back home and Sam made us some food and we chatted for a while.
But I was so tired from the chemo and the consistent panic attacks I just couldn’t keep my eyes open.
We went to bed early at around 7.30, but it takes me about 15-20 mins just to get up about 10 stairs and then get into bed because the anxiety comes on so strong.