I woke up around 6am this morning as I was desperate for the toilet.
As I got our of bed the panic started immediately.
I had to call for Sam and he came in to rub my back again. It’s such a chore every morning to have to deal with this and not just go to the toilet like any normal human being.
We lay in bed for a while after trying to get some more sleep but neither of us could.
So we chatted for a while and then I decided to shave my head again as it is still causing me so much grief as it’s so itchy.
It was quite emotional.
Even though I have cut it all off before it’s still never easy having to lose my hair.
Its such a horrible side effect being a girl.
Before my first lot of chemo I had the longest hair. It was down to my waist and sometimes I still get the urge to tie my hair up when I’m feeling low, but I can’t.
I then had a shower which Sam had to help me with. It still takes all my energy and I have no idea why.
It’s so frustrating that every day tasks just seem so hard right now and I just wish it would go back to normal.
I think in some ways this is also compounding my anxiety,as it weighs on my mind that I can’t complete these tasks by myself like I used to be able to.
As soon as I got out the shower, the anxiety came back with a vengeance and I had to calm down again.
Sam tried to cheer me up with one of his famous dances but it didn’t work.
I finally calmed down enough after about 20 mins and got dressed and headed downstairs. But it came back straight away.
It took another 20 mins of calming down before I could relax and watch TV. I did this for most of the day while Sam tidied the house again and did all the washing.
We then both sat down and incredibly it was around 6pm. I just don’t know where the days go. It just seems like everything little thing I do takes an age to do.
We discussed what I wanted for dinner and Sam headed out to get it (we’ve decided there is no point doing weekly shopping as I just don’t know what I can stomach from day to day on the chemo).
When Sam went out, the most embarrassing experience of my life occurred.
I started to feel like I needed to wee whilst I was having a coughing fit and I knew couldn’t make it to the toilet upstairs.
I desperately decided to use one of the sick bowls I have in the kitchen area.
But it went through the bowl and all over the floor. I have never been so upset in all my life.
The worst part is I’m not even well enough to clean it up.
I text Sam and let him know and he assured me it was OK and that he would be back soon and clean it up.
He came home and cleaned it up without mentioning it.
Then he made me dinner and commended me for making it to the hard floor in the kitchen instead of the carpet in the living room!
We then headed to bed and had the usual anxiety/panic attack when going up the stairs, this one lasted longer than usual and I think its just all the added stress from another long day. I’m hoping for a good sleep tonight as I’m so tired.