I woke up this morning feeling better than usual. I never really feel good when I wake up.
I chatted to Sam for a bit who had only had 3 hours sleep the night before as he had a bad dream.
Then nurse the came in and we chatted for a long time about going home. I’ve been in Dororthy House for a week now and they wanted to make sure I am in the right frame of mind to return home for good.
I was still scared about going home as my anxiety is always worse there, but I felt a lot more equipped to deal with the dreaded stairs and I feel like I can keep my breathing under control a lot more.
We had breakfast and Sam packed the stuff we needed to take home.
Then we had a doctor come in to speak to us about going home and how I should feel. I started to feel quite stressed as she asked Sam how he would deal with me if I started to have a huge bleed at home. Luckily Sam chirped up and explained he was capable of looking after me but it left me feeling weird.
On the way home we decided to do something normal – Sam needed a new belt so we stopped at the shopping centre.
I still can’t walk far so we used the wheelchair. I couldn’t believe how many people stared at me in it.
Every other person would stare me in the eyes then give me a once over before diverting their eyes.
I was humiliated.
I understand people might look – It’s pretty unusual to see a bald young girl being pushed around in a wheelchair.
But I really felt like theres were looks of disgust.
I sank down in my chair and put my hood up to hide myself. I scalded myself for not making more of an effort to hide this disease. I felt like it was my fault for making people uncomfortable?
But I just don’t have the energy to disguise my disease.
I wish I could – even if it does sounds shallow. I promised myself that during this blog I would be 100% honest and true to everybody who reads it.
We left the store and headed home to chill.
As soon as I got there I decided to conquer the stairs straight away, and …I DID IT!
There was no panic attack and I felt a little breathless but that was all!
We had some food and then headed to bed a little early as I was exhausted.
I drifted off to sleep after a nightly chat with Sam and wondered if there was anything else I could do to cover up my illness.