The doctor explained that she was sending me for a CT scan on my brain.

I was confused and didn’t understand why this was happening.

She explained that due to my chronic fatigue and sickness they just wanted to scan my brain to make sure everything was OK.

“I’m sure we will find nothing to be concerned about,” she said.

But all I felt was dread.  They don’t send you for brain scans for the sake of it.

So I was wheeled up to the CT scanner and had a brain scan.

I returned after my scan to the oncology unit and met with the doctor again.

She had decided to put my chemo on hold due to the treatment making me so poorly.

It was decide that they wanted to change my treatment plan completely and we were sent home in a daze with no real idea of what would be happening next.

The next day we got a phone call. Sam answered and we were asked to come and see my consultant within the hour.

We arrived and sat down with the consultant – I knew instantly something was wrong.

“Your cancer has spread to your brain” they said.

I sat there, blank, not knowing what to say,

I was numb whilst the consultant explained what we needed to do next – start radiotherapy as soon as possible to try and control the cancer in the brain,

“It won’t get rid of it but it’s possible to stop it from growing,” they said.

All I could say was: “OK, OK, OK.”

So the new plan consists of 5 radiotherapy treatments on my brain, 1 radiotherapy treatment on my back – then we meet again to discuss the next steps which will include more chemotherapy and other treatments including injections in my bones.

It’s a blur.

But all I know is that I have to be strong to fight this.

I now have cancer in my chest, spine, bones, ovaries and brain.

All I can say is that’s enough now, no more!

We walked out of that meeting and both cried. I think we were more in shock than anything else but it passed and this news has made us more determined than ever to fight this cancer..

2016

So Christmas and the New Year are over so I thought I would share with you guys how mine went.

Firstly we moved house. I say we but I went for a week break in Dorothy House whilst Sam moved us into the new place.

Before ,if you had asked me if I enjoyed moving, I would of said no. But not being well enough to move or even help a little made me realise that I am just too poorly.

Cancer really does touch every part of your life. I always said to myself that I would never say it’s unfair that I have cancer because this is my life now and the “what ifs” can be terribly harmful to anybody’s mental state.

And I know it’s a cliché but it can always be worse and I would rather I have this disease than another have in my place.

Sorry I went off on a bit of a tangent there… haha my brain often does that.

So we moved 7 days before Christmas (we are still living out of boxes), and in that time I went downhill.

Everything hit, pain, sickness and the dreaded fatigue so they gave me more blood and it helped.

I was able to have a few days of peace – the sickness and pain stayed but I had more energy and at this point I’ll take anything and be extremely grateful.

So I left Dorothy house and moved into our new cottage. It was an adjustment (so many stairs) but it was home and I’m looking forward to making it our own – the place needs a lot of work but it’s ours and that’s the important thing everything else is just ascetics.

Our next crazy move 3 days before Christmas was to add an addition to our little family – a puppy!

Her name is Betty and she is a beautiful little wired hair Hungarian vizla.

We fell in love the first time we met her and now couldn’t imagine life without her. She is a typical puppy but we have noticed that she gravitates towards me.

The breeder informed us that these type of dogs will sense when someone is ill and will become a protector – she is my little protector and it’s true straight away we noticed her pull towards me.

She of course  loves everybody but with me it’s like she knows that I am pretty poorly.

Whether you believe in these sorts of things or not I don’t know but I feel she knows. So we have a puppy running around and I’m still pretty unwell.

The blood has worn off so they gave me more  – but this time it didn’t work and I had one of my worst weeks so far.

When I wasn’t crying in pain I was falling asleep sat up. The pain was unbearable and the doctor came out to see me and decided to increase all pain medication.

So now I’m in a state of half with it and half not until my body gets used to the increase in pain medication.

Well that’s what I’m hoping, as living in this half state of awareness is not something I think I can’t  live with.

Even holding a conversation with Sam is proving so difficult and I don’t want to live where I cannot talk to the amazing friends and family I have in my life.

I feel that wouldn’t be a life worth living but I will never give up trying to make this work and fighting to be well again. I have so many people to fight for now as well as myself.

We made it to Christmas Day and Sam is shook me awake.

He seemed nervous and was desperate for me to get out of bed.

I came downstairs and we open presents and we get to the last one and I unwrap tiny bottles with beautiful notes inside – Sam asked me to marry him!

It was one of the happiest moments of my life. I am so in love with this man who is my everything, we were on a high for the rest of the day.

Unfortunately, over the next few days I became poorly again.

I could hardly move, no energy, just no life in me at all. We went to chemo on the Tuesday and the team took one look at me and called the doctor, the doctors were worried so immediately cancelled chemo..

Within 2 hours, everything had changed…