Nurse Sam..

I woke up on Monday feeling absolutely dreadful I I am trying not to count how many times I have said this now). I felt so nauseous and just awful, constantly bringing up saliva again and again. Sam gave me my anti-sickness medication and we had to wait an hour before doing my other medication.

The sickness started to calm down and just as it did, the district nurse arrived to change my picc line dressing and also to drain the fluid from my lung. The nurse changed my dressing and then asked Sam to do the drain, just so that he is more efficient with it, should he need to do it in an emergency. When I am getting the drain, we usually know I’ve had too much taken off when I start to cough, and this normally happens when I reach the litre mark, however today only 750ml was taken off and I started to cough. I’m hoping this is good news as it might mean the fluid is drying up from the chemo.

After the nurse left we decided to head out for a bit, just have a drive and maybe get some lunch, as its nice just to leave the house sometimes and do anything to get out of the four walls I’m normally surrounded by. However after only about half an hour I started to feel really sick and awful again. So Sam took me home and picked up some food for us instead. I headed straight to bed and had a nap for a few hours, before waking up and having some food finally. I also seem to find my appetite later on in the day, even though Sam tries to prompt me to eat during the day, I just can’t face it most of the time. After food we watched tv and talked our usual crap and then went off to sleep.

Yesterday was my chemo day and it was earlier than usual, so we were up earlier as well. I woke up and didn’t feel too bad when I first woke up. Which was great, but also I realised straight away that it’s chemo day that day and no matter what I’ll still be feeling sick after it and the next week following. I got up and ready for the day with a bit of help from Sam and made sure I had something to eat before I got to chemo, as it is even worse if I don’t eat beforehand. For some reason me and Sam were bickering the entire morning and on the way to chemo, which made for a few awkward moments on the way through to chemo and during.

As the chemo started, it seems as though there has been a mistake with my medication. We have been given a medication to help with my stomach during chemo and they have also been giving me the medication as pre-meds on the day of the chemo. So I have been overdosing on this medication for 8 weeks! However thankfully now we know and can avoid it from now on. I had my chemo, which as usual took around 4 hours. Me and Sam bickered on and off during the chemo, which wasn’t great, but as soon as we got the car we said how silly it was and decided to forget it and just carry on.

We decided to have a little drive again and went to a few local shops to have a look around (I’m a shopping addict), didn’t find much, but me and Sam had some fun so it was worth it. We then headed back home and on the way back, I didn’t feel very well. We picked up a bit of food and got into the house. We watched a film and I had some food, to try and give me a bit of energy. For the rest of the night, I watched crappy tv shows, whilst Sam played football manager again! We then watched I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, we both say we hate it, but for some reason end up watching it every night before bed. Out of the blue Sam apologised to me for the bickering and so did I, so we kissed and made up. Sometimes the stress can just get to us both I think and it comes out in the wrong way, we don’t mean to be like it with one another, but I suppose it would be abnormal if we didnt bicker sometimes.

Then it was sleepy time. Let’s keep hoping I don’t feel sick in the morning.

Love Always x

Not great company..

Hi Guys, I have to apologies for not posting Saturday, I was unfortunately too poorly and bed ridden for the day..

So I woke up again feeling awful, my sickness seems to be getting worse each day when I wake up, but I am not actually throwing anything up. Sam jumped up to get me a bowl again and gave me my sickness medication as soon as a I felt well enough to take it. My bones and body are generally just aching all over now, with the occasional shooting pains. Its so uncomfortable and I just can’t seem to be able to do anything. It’s really painful, It just doesn’t allow me to even get down the stairs as I struggle so much with my legs hurting.

I started to feel a little better after around half an hour to forty five minutes, and then I had my other meds for pain etc. The problem is the nausea never seems to fully go away, I did talk about this with the doctor earlier this week, and there is a connection with not eating enough and feeling more sick, but I just can’t seem to feel hungry. All I ate was two pieces of cheese on toast and I couldn’t even finish that! I trally love food so this side effect really sucks!

Me and Sam decided to stay in bed instead of making me feel worse and going downstairs, it may not seem a big issue but it makes me so tired just going down the stairs. We watched a couple of Christmas films (which were dreadful but very easy to watch and I don’t have to concentrate with my chemo brain) and talked nonsense as usual, all whilst Sam was up and down getting me water every 20 minutes. After watching the films I was so tired from the pain that I had some liquid morphine and had a nap. I never mean to sleep for long but before you know it I’ve been sleeping for 2-3 hours. It’s a good job Sam is just happy there playing football manager all day as at the moment I am not great company.

After my nap, Sam offered me some food again, but I just couldn’t do it. We watched usual crappy TV, and talked more about future life and what we want to do during my break from chemo as on Tuesday, I will be half way through this course. We are definitely going to take a trip, we both need a break.

I then went back to sleep hoping that again tomorrow will be an easier day but I fear that I will just get weaker with every dose of chemo I have.

Love Always x

A draining day..

I woke up feeling horribly sick again. I went straight into the toilet and couldn’t stop heaving, although nothing was actually coming up, I was stuck in the bathroom unable to move, it still really hurts just to wretch over and over again. Sam gave me my anti sickness medication, and sat down for half an hour with me on the bathroom floor, to let it kick in before taking my other meds. It was another horrific morning. I was hoping that this chemo side effect would wear off but it hasn’t yet so apologies for repeating myself in every blog.

Before I could get downstairs, the district nurse arrived to drain my chest drain, which happens twice a week currently. Today one of the training nurses did the drain, which was fine, but kept tugging the drain from inside me, not a pleasant feeling at all. Sam did his usual float around and make inappropriate jokes, which has become the norm now and the nurses are used to him (if not a little fond of him).

After the nurses did the drain, my friend Susie arrived. She helped Sam tidy up a bit before Sam went out to run one of his many errands. Then it was left to me and Susie to do the tidying, I tried the best I could but I just can’t do these things anymore, even though I really want to (which is strange because before I was ill I NEVER wanted to do these things). The reason we are tidying is because we are moving in less than a month and we are trying to make things as stress free as possible when moving and if all the things we don’t need every day are already packed, it’ll make our lives so much easier. Within half an hour of starting I had to go to bed as I really wore myself out trying to help Susie. I was so tired and my whole body ached, not only from the chemo but also from the drain earlier in the day, as I can feel my lung re-expanding and the crackles of air around it,It’s an awful sensation.

When Sam came back, he woke me up and we chatted about his day, but I was so tired I just kept falling back asleep whilst Sam talked. I finally came round and needed morphine for the pain then I was able to chat to Sam and Susie, we even managed to have a giggle. We then had some dinner and watched TV. It was only for an hour though, as I was so tired again. Me and Sam headed to bed and he did his usual antics of dancing around and making me laugh, the power of laughter is sometimes amazing and I don’t think I will ever take it for granted again.. I hope tomorrow feels a little better….

Love Always x

Results..

I woke up Thursday morning with a feeling of dread, today is results day from the CT scan so getting through the morning routine felt even more of a struggle. The sickness kicked in ten minutes after waking up along with the aches and pains throughout my body, medication was taken and then we had to leave for the hospital.

After waiting over an hour to see the consultant we finally got the results, according to the scan the cancer has shrunk since starting the chemo, mainly in the chest wall. This is what we had hoped for, the consultant was pleased and insured us that it was the best results we could wish for. I am not sure how I felt hearing the news, I was expecting to feel relief but it didn’t come, I think mentally I was just in battle mode and to get through all of this I have to keep my guard up so I don’t break down.

So the plan is to continue with the same chemo for the rest of the course (another 10 weeks) before the next steps are decided. I know more chemotherapy is on the cards and that scares me, scares me that my life will never be the same, by now I would have thought that this realisation would of kicked in but it still hasn’t. I will never give up or refuse chemotherapy but getting my head around a life of chemotherapy and being so poorly is still too much to get my head around.

It was a relief to leave the hospital it was very suffocating, I cried on the way to the car. I didn’t really say much and Sam didn’t have to ask he was just there being my rock as always. When home I crawled into bed and couldn’t concentrate on anything so just stared into nothingness, I couldn’t process anything so I just stared. Sam came and laid with me and we just laid in silence until the body pain started and I had to be boosted with medication again. The evening went by in a blur and I was looking forward to the day being over and starting the next day with a fresh start.

Thank you for sharing this journey with me

Love Always x

Day spent at what seems to be my second home..

I woke up and was sick, one minute I was dreaming and the next I was thrown back into reality by throwing up..Sam snapped into action with with sick bowls and water! He is my angel waking up to that and jumping to action.

It’s chemo and CT scan day today, I can already feel it’s going to be a long day. It was a struggle getting ready to leave for the hospital with waves of nausea hitting every few minutes, with bowl in hand we left dreading the day ahead.

We got to the chemotherapy suite and the nurse informed us that there had been an “error” and my chemotherapy wasn’t ordered.. I was due to have my chemo at 12pm so we had to wait for it to be made up. They started my pre meds at 2.10pm and my chemo finally arrived at 2.30pm. I sat waiting being hit with hot sweats throughout the wait. My chemo was rushed due to my CT scan being booked in for 3pm, we got to the appointment at 3.50pm.

On arrival to the CT scan we were told they were having delays.. I managed to have my scan at 4.30pm so it wasn’t to bad. I was anxious but at least it’s done and we only have a few days to wait for the results.

We left the hospital in the dark and it was miserable weather, spending the day in hospital is draining both mentally and physically – we couldn’t wait to get home.

We went straight to bed as my body was really hurting from head to toe, unfortunately more morphine was needed and within half an hour luckily it took the edge off. Sam was in pain also, his arthritis has really been painful the last few days and my heart breaks for him a little that he does so much and never complains when he is also in pain, my heart swells even more for him when he struggles so much.

Love always x

A trip out and a sick bowl

Hey guys!

I woke today and the sickness was back with a vengeance.

I had to take lots of medication to balance out the sickness and pain and the anxiety.

I always feel like I’m taking pills just to fight the effects of the last pill.

The district nurse came around 11, I struggled to get down the stairs.

This affects me a lot – the constant ache really hits my spirits, it saddens me that at 28 I can hardly walk but I am determined to be stronger.

I’m a typical girl, for years wanting long thin legs and now I have them I would give anything to have strong legs again.

This disease is changing me as a person and I didn’t even realise it was happening.

The nurses are as always lovely –  we are very lucky that they come to us and we don’t have to travel all the way into hospital,.

Sam has lots of inappropriate banter with the nurses and this makes everything a lot lighter and less of an abnormal situation.

I had bloods taken, my picc line cleaned then fluid drained from my new permanent drain – the permanent drain has really changed how I’m feeling and I am so grateful not having to struggle so much.

The nurses left and I was feeling OK.  The medication was doing its thing so we decided to get out of the house and try and go for lunch.

We haven’t done this since I was first admitted to hospital (how life has changed).

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We managed to get through lunch, within minutes s of driving home the sickness hit.

Luckily we have sick bowls everywhere so with sickbowl in hand we made it home.

I went straight to bed after taking more medication but when I woke the pain had come back in my legs and back so more medication was needed.

Luckily the medication kicked in but then the hot sweats came.

Sam took my temp and it was 38.7 – when going through chemo it’s really important to keep an eye on my temp, -we were slightly worried as it was 12.20 am and we dreaded the thought of going into hospital so we tried to cool me down with ice pacs and paracetamol.

Slowly it came down to 38.3 and then 37.6, we managed to get it down over a few hours.

I was so relieved and so so tired.

Tomorrow I have chemo agan and a CT scan.

I am nervous about the CT scan but Sam and I talked about it and we know we together are strong enough to get through whatever the results throw at us.

Love Laura xxx

It’s SO good to be back!

Hey guys,

It’s so good to be back!

It has been a few weeks since I last blogged and a lot has happened…

On Sunday the 31st Sam took me into A&E because I was having trouble breathing.

I was back on the oxygen and I couldn’t walk.

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After a 6 hour wait I was admitted into hospital because the fluid on my lungs had built up again.

Being told I was being admitted to hospital again was too much. Something switched and I cried and screamed and shouted.

A lot of people stared whilst I was having my mini breakdown. Sometimes it happens – these mini episodes of despair when you feel that you cannot take anymore -but you have no choice but to keep going.

A couple of deep breaths and I pulled myself together (ish). I was exhausted by the end of it – tired, sick and down.

A doctor came to see me and after being promised a chest drain she said that as it was a Sunday the doctor who could do the drain had gone home (at 7pm) and nobody else in the hospital could do the procedure.

I was so down and all I wanted was the relief from the drain, I cried again and begged the doctor to help me but nothing could be done so I was promised that in the morning the procedure would be done.

laura

I was given medication and I don’t really remember much after that. Sam stayed with me until I fell asleep.

In the morning I felt so poorly. I was on oxygen, I couldn’t catch my breath and I couldn’t make it to the toilet on my own. Sam came back at 8am to sit with me whilst we waited for the doctor.

But the doctor didn’t come. At 12pm  we sought out a nurse who tried to track down a doctor. A different doctor came to see us and informed us that I wouldn’t be having the drain today and I would have to wait until the following afternoon, again the feeling of despair came. Sam comforted me, it was hitting us both that there was nothing we could do.

The day was a struggle but we got through it. The next day I went for chemo then finally had my permanent drain fitted. I can now have fluid drained when it becomes uncomfortable, so I don’t have to struggle anymore.

We eventually got let home – I was so happy to be home. I ended up spending 4 days in bed sleeping through the pain of having the drain fitted but it was worth it.

Since then I have basically been recovering.

The district nurse comes out twice a week to drain fluid from the drain.

As a result, my breathing has improved and I feel human again.

I do feel stronger as now I only have to deal with the chemo side effects so far

Night times and mornings are still the worse and I have to rely heavily on medication. And my legs are still half the size they were due to not using them enough,.

I am desperate to get physically stronger

This week I have the district nurse coming Monday, chemo and a CT scan Tuesday and meeting with my consultant Thursday to get the results of the CT scan.

It’s all a little scary.

I’m so glad to have you all by my side.

L xxx